The Western...you've stripped it from me...

Last night marks one of the most hilarious and depressing moments in my personal film-viewing history.

Returning back to 'SC, one must of course hang out with as many people as possible in the few weeks or so before the workload hits you. So, on one of my first nights back, I hung out at Will's and we watched old episodes of "The Simpsons. " One episode had one of the funniest Simpsons jokes I've ever seen. Homer and Bart bring home the movie "Paint Your Wagon" thinking it is a Leone-style spaghetti western ("paint your wagon...with BLOOD I hope!" says Homer). The movie stars both Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin, two of the roughest cowboys out there, so it MUST be a shootout-fest...right?

Of course, "Paint Your Wagon" is actually a musical, and so Homer and Bart are appalled when Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin start prancing around like jackasses, singing a song about painting their wagon.

Now, this is funny enough, and I knew about "Paint Your Wagon" as a little kid. I remember little Liz Koppa mentioning it as a fav of hers back in elementary school. However, I assumed "The Simpsons" were only joking when they said the movie starred Clint and Lee. But I was wrong. Turns out, these guys DID do this ridiculous musical.

That's bad enough, but Will and Lauren then went out and bought "Paint Your Wagon" and we all sat down to watch it. I was expecting to simply laugh my ass off at how stupid Clint Eastwood would look singing and that would be it. Boy was I wrong...horribly...horribly...WRONG...

Turns out "Paint Your Wagon" is, simply put, the GAYEST movie I have ever seen. And I'm not just saying that because Will and Lauren like to turn any manly movie into gay innuendo (Lord of the--cough--Rings). This movie is flat-out spinning with purple triangles that come shooting out of the screen to impale your eyes.

It started out innocently enough...we were cracking jokes, and when Lee Marvin finds a wounded Clint Eastwood and offers to help him within the first five minutes, I murmured some predictable gag about "Brokeback Mountain." But THEN Lee Marvin suddenly starts telling Clint Eastwood how he is "melancholy" and he needs a "partner" to which Clint replies solemnly "I could be that partner for 'ya." Lee Marvin then carries Clint Eastwood on his back for a good twenty minutes, and appears to enjoy it thoroughly if you catch my drift. Even the TOWN the guys live in says "POPULATION: MALE" (I kid you not!!!! I kid you NOT!!!!!).

After about forty-five minutes, when a pair of women finally come into town, you are expecting that the men will behave it typical horny western fashion. They do...to a point. But only AFTER they all take a look at the BABY the women are holding in their arms. Who cares about chicks? They just stare longingly at the baby, wishing THEY could all have one.

Eventually, Clint and Lee wind up getting in a three-way marriage with one of the girls. In the end, they decide one of them has to leave, and so Lee heads out the door. And boy, is Clint REALLY REALLY sad to see his man-friend go.

Speaking of Clint, he does a fair share of singing in the movie and (I'm not trying to stereotype, I'm just talking about the movie here) he looks like the biggest pussy ever. Is this the same hard-boiled Clint from "The Good the Bad and the Ugly?" Is this the same badass who destroys EVERYONE in "Unforgiven?" I long ago said the moral of "Unforgiven" was "don't mess with Clint Eastwood because he will FUCKING KILL YOU!" but after seeing "Paint Your Wagon" I feel like I could kick him in the shins and piss on him in the dirt and he would take it like a whining little crybaby.

I'm only touching the tip of the iceberg here too. If you truly want to never be able to watch a western again without thinking of homosexual undertones, go out and rent "Paint Your Wagon" and watch as your eyes bleed. I seriously worry that I can never watch another awesome, gun-toting manly western again. Thanks Clint and Lee. I can't decide if you've destroyed my take on the western experience, or elevated it. You've certainly CHANGED it, that's for sure.

I also went and watched "The Witches of Eastwick" in the cinema library (on LASERDISC!!!) after we saw a few clips from the movie in my directing composers class. 5 freaking stars for this movie. I LOVED it! Jack Nicholson rocks as the devil, the three chicks are smoking hot. Cher, who is the punchline of more than a few jokes, proves here, that like in "Moonstruck," she was actually a pretty hot and saucy babe in her day, and a good actress. The sound design is excellent, the cinematography and direction top-notch, and John Williams score perfectly catchy. I think it's probably my favorite movie I've seen in a long while. I'm probably going to go out and buy it sooner or later. I just love a movie that is gleefully twisted without being sick or unsavory (this is the same reason I enjoy "The Nightmare Before Christmas" year after year).

Anyways, I'm back at school now, and it looks like it'll be a bit easier this semester. I'll have more time to pursue other ventures and keep my sanity. Not that I'm all that sane anyway...

"PAINT YOUR (gay) WAGON!!! ROLL ALONG!!!"