The Mysterious "I"...

Surprise, surprise! It appears some people actually reads this thing. While it is fairly obvious to figure out who "will" and "anthony" are, there is someone who has popped up twice in the comments by the name of "I". Do I just not understand how this blog works? Who is it??? And they don't have to tell me...it's kinda fun not to know.

I just finished watching Jim Jaramush's "Broken Flowers," and I am inclined to give it five big juicy stars. It was a funny, touching, thought-provoking film without being "pretentious," "artsy," or any of those other words film kids like to throw around for a movie that thinks it is better than it actually is. Bill Murray's performance is vastly superior to the one he gave in that worthless "Lost in Translation" (even though he still WAS the best thing there), and the movie is populated with quirky yet realistic characters all along the way. What spoke to me most was the fact that nothing is stranger, and therefore, funnier, than real life. The randominity of our lives, and the way we try to figure it out, is often far more interesting than any story we could craft with specific "plot points," "rising actions," or whatever. Seeing this movie REALLY wants me to check out Jaramush's other works, since this film felt like the sort of thing I might make when I reach my mid-fifties and find out my life isn't going anywhere.

Which leads me to my next paragraphs. WARNING: What follows may be whiny and self-depricating, so stop if you don't want to hear any Fish lamentations.

Obviously I want to make movies (even though everyone else does too). And I feel I have the talent (you may disagree, in which case, fuck you). And so far I think I've done fairly well on the path following my dreams. But now that I'm halfway done with my college career, I the "real" world (again, so does everyone else). I don't want to get sucked into the Hollywood vortex. I don't want to make unconventional films per se, but I don't want to get forced to spew out the drivel that continuously plagues our screens. And I REALLY don't want to get stuck with a job that leads nowhere so that when I die, I'll have only "gripped" this and "AD'd" that, and never put my creative juices to full use.

But what I most fear is that I won't be able to experience "life." I want to fall in love like everyone else. And working at the camps at the museum has made me realize that eventually I want to be one way-cool Dad. Kids are a handful, but they are SO worth it, and I work so well with them and have so much to offer them that if I didn't become a father it would be such a waste. But at the same time I have seen so many people fail to balance work and family. My dad did OK, but his job doesn't have the stresses of the film world, and even he makes sacrifices. On the other hand, one of my way-cool uncles came to visit recently. This is a guy who spends all his time working, and he is very very successful, money and careerwise. But his work IS his life. He doesn't have time for kids. And he doesn't have time for his wife (and she doesn't have time for him). He hardly even has time to drop by and visit his only neice and nephew (me!) for an evening. The last time I saw him I think I was in high school. And I can tell that, as fun and cool this uncle is, something is missing for him--and I don't want that to happen to me.

I had a dream (nightmare?) the other night where I had to choose between finding true love and acheiving my dreams of becoming a successful filmmaker. If I chose one, the other would never exist for me. And there was no middle road. I don't think I wound up choosing, and to be honest, I don't REALLY remember how this dream manifested itself. But I remembered the basic inner conflict when I woke up. And it has really been bothering me. I hope that in real life I can do both. Life and love is impossibly hard, but so is becoming a filmmaker. How can I succeed in doing BOTH impossibly hard things?

I guess it's just randominity. I'll do the best I can as things happen.