Pillow Screaming...

...doesn't really work. When it's this bad.

First, movies. Because it's something I can write about as an attempt to slightly direct my attention from the shame, confusion, and humiliation I'm feeling right now.

Re-watched "Blade Runner." Still kicks. ALTHOUGH this was the first time I kinda didn't feel like I picked up on anything "new." That's fine though, 'cuz it's the sixth time I've watched it (I think).

Re-watched old favorite "The Phantom Menace" with Eric (yes, it IS a favorite of sorts...shoot me). A walk down memory lane and a bit of a jolt as to how much I had not formed an idea of what a good and bad movie was in 7th grade.

Watched "American Beauty" for the first time (yeah, I've never seen it...can you believe that?). After the movie was brought up in several classes, I figured I'd better see what all the fuss was about. Of course, it was a very good film, but I had some real problems with it. Lester was a very fun character to watch, but watching the movie I was ready to declare it as a piece of crap if we were supposed to think the path he goes on leads him to a high ground. Because seriously...he was a jerkwad. HOWEVER I was all ready to LOVE the film towards the end when Lester realizes he can't have sex with his daughter's friend, and he starts connecting with what is important...his past love for his wife, his love for his daughter...etc. He had been out of touch with these things, and though HE realized something was wrong earlier, he never figured out what it was until that moment.

And then they killed him. Way. To. Go. I HATED that they killed him. Because THINKING you need to reconnect with your family and your life is nothing compared to actually doing so. Actions speak louder than thoughts. And Lester was never given a chance to act. Whatever justification the filmmakers/screenwriters/whoever had I felt was stupid and pointless.

Anyways, thumbs up overall...I just wished we had seen Lester make partial amends with his wife and daughter. Then there would have been a ray of hope in that horrible quagmire of crap that is the American dream.

Which I guess is a worthy segeway into what I'm going through right now (and you know what, typing about other stuff HAS made me feel better). What has been my own dream for the last six months or so seems to have no ray of light in it either. Once again I can add another notch to my rejection belt. Whee!

And rejection is bad enough...but watching my fantasy play out with someone else? WHY??? What did I ever do in a past life to have this awful sense of irony play before my eyes? I can't escape the reminder that I'm a failure here. What do I lack that the other has? Where did I screw up? And why oh why can't things go back to the way they were a month or so ago? It wasn't great then, but it was better than this. I've been wishing and hoping all summer that things would finally fall into place for me, and instead more pieces have come apart.

And I hate that I am the one ranting and feeling bad. I have no right. So many other people I know right now are filled with problems of their own of various kinds. Some I feel may be unwarranted, but who am I to judge? My own anguish isn't necessarily worth anything to anyone else either. Because sometimes it's hard to find anyone who gives a fuck about you. People who give a fuck about you are hard to come by...and I just lost one in the worst kind of way.

BUT as I wrote above, actions speak louder than thoughts, so I'm at least going to voice how I feel and see what happens. Probably nothing, but letting everything OUT and feeling awful is better than keeping it all bottled IN and feeling awful.

Why is everyone unhappy most of the time? Why is it that those who ARE happy are happy for reasons completely unrelated to you?

Anyway...picture lock. Gotta go do the ONE thing I think I am good at. I hope.

Pathetic.