Adventures in Hutt-Sitting

First off, I haven't done a post in a while, despite seeing a whole bunch of summer movies and having one of the best summers I've had in a long while (though right now things sort of suck). I mean, for God's sake, I haven't even done a "Dark Knight" review!

However today, against my better judgment, I gave in to the Dark Side of my morbid curiosity, and saw "The Clone Wars" movie put out by Lucasfilm. And now I want to bitch about it.

I had BIG misgivings about going to see this movie. At the very least, a "Clone Wars" movie is unnecessary, since Genndy Tartakovsky already did a pretty damn good job bridging the gap between Episode 2 and 3 with his Cartoon Network Clone Wars series, which I LOVED. The story between Episode 2 and 3 has already between told, so why add MORE to it? How much more can the Jedi do in a matter of a few years? Episode 2 and 3 were not that far apart. More time elapsed between, say, Episode 1 and 2 or 3 and 4. Why not tell a story there? We already get the gist of the Clone Wars.
And my general opinion is that George should just leave the saga alone anyway, but the guy has basically lost it. The Star Wars money-making machine has become the very evil Empire of Capitalism. In a way, maybe George Lucas sympathizes with Anakin Skywalker because that's what his life has become; a once idealistic filmmaker turned greedy, twisted, and evil from his own creation.

When I saw that Lucas was doing another Clone Wars series, I sort of rolled my eyes. I imagined George sitting high in a tower on his ranch somewhere thinking, "Hey, that Tartakovsky guy created something pretty cool...I can do that too!" Another series was extraneous, but the 3-D animation style, for TV, might just work.

Yet when I heard Lucas was taking this CG style and making a MOVIE out of it, my appropriate response was one familiar to Star Wars fanboys: "I have a bad feeling about this." Upon seeing the terrible reviews and rabid hate response from fanboys, I got even more nervous. In fact, I didn't just get nervous; I got ANGRY and conflicted. I HAD to see this movie because of my Star Wars fandom, but I did NOT want to support the Lucas Empire if he had, indeed, created a piece of shit that crapped all over the movies that defined my childhood as well as my adulthood (between "Lord of the Rings" and "Star Wars," it's probably the reason I got into filmmaking).

Luckily, I obtained some free movie coupons from one place or another, so I wound up ultimately submitting a total of $2.00 to the Lucas Empire. And to be honest, the movie was nowhere NEAR as bad as I was fearing it to be. It's a pale shadow of the Star Wars I grew up with, but it's nowhere near as terrible as some of the message boards will tell you. It isn't as bad as The Holiday Special, The Ewok Adventure, or even some of the mediocre titles in the LucasArts videogame lineup. I have paid more for movies I enjoyed less, and since my expectations were low, I think I certainly got my two dollars (and two hours) worth. Besides, the movie has clearly tanked at the box office, and maybe this is the wakeup call Lucas needs (though I doubt it). There was only ONE screening of the film at the cinema I attended for the entire day, and when I walked into the theater, I was only joined by one other ashamed-but-curious fanboy and a family of four with little kids.

Also, keep in mind this review is going to be different than many of my other reviews. I am going to geek out hardcore here. I am not going to analyze the film as a "film scholar" as I usually try to do. I am going to analyze it as a Star Wars geek. You have been warned...

My biggest fear would be that the movie would flat-out IGNORE what happened in Tartakovsky's version that played on Cartoon Network, or retell it in a vastly inferior way. Luckily, this is not the case. While the story is completely unnecessary and adds nothing worthwhile to the Star Wars universe as a whole, it doesn't erase the chronology of Tartakovsky's Clone Wars. It's hard to tell exactly, but it seems like this story picks up about halfway through Season Two of Tartakovksy's Clone Wars, before Grevious arrived at Coruscant and before Anakin went on his bizarre little spirit journey with Obi-Wan on Nelvan.
Unfortunately, for the casual Star Wars fan, the story is practically impossible to follow. If you didn't happen to see Tartakovky's Clone Wars, than you will have NO IDEA what it going on for the first half hour. The film literally drops in characters like Asaaji Ventriss with no introduction, even though she has only thus far appeared in the Cartoon Network show! And besides, it was implied that Anakin already killed her! Sure, MAYBE she survived, but wouldn't it be nice to awknowedge it somehow? It just takes a couple lines. Obi-Wan: "Ventriss, I thought Anakin got rid of you on the moon of Yavin 4." Ventriss: "Sorry to disappoint you Obi-Wan...bla bla bla..." Come on, it can't be that hard, and it would at least imply to newcomers that this character has a history with our heroes.

But MAYBE the reason lines of clarification such as this don't exist is because the movie doesn't have the time or patience to worry about story or plot development. Every second of the movie is paced to pander to the six-year old crowd. Now, I know this may sound silly, but I think I actually learned to watch carefully as a story developed FROM the original Star Wars movies. The Original Trilogy films are still action-heavy pictures that move a mile a minute in certain sections. But they always took their time to let the mythology unfold and really live in the world. Remember the somber scenes with Yoda on Dagobah? Remember the moment where Luke learns about the history of the Jedi from Obi-Wan Kenobi? Isn't "patience" part of the Jedi code of ethics? The pace of this movie doesn't even have time for the opening scrawl. It's a Star Wars movie...WITH NO OPENING SCRAWL!!! In the opening we are literally explained the plot through a series of flashing images, as an announcer-type voice, similar to the voice heard giving the disclaimers at the end of radio commercials, states: AsthewarinthegalaxycontinuestheSeperatistsledbyCountDookuhavestolenJabbatheHutt'ssoninordertocauseariftbetweentheRepublicandtheHutts...
Then it's right to the laserblastin' action. Give those ADD, short-attention-span, juicebox-suckin' kids what they WANT dammit!

While the story is certainly a poor excuse for one, the real crutch of the movie is the CG animation itself. I was curious to see how this would work, since the Star Wars prequels seemed to practically be animated movies in their own right anyway. The CG animation in the movie is not as bad as I was expecting, but it's still pretty terrible. While the battle scenes still work relatively well (and that's what Star Wars is all about right?...WRONG!), the characters themselves, especially when in close-up, look absolutely terrible. I honestly wonder if George Lucas wanted these guys to look EXACTLY like action figures in order to make their action-figure versions easier to sell. The render skins for their faces honestly LOOKS like paint, as if to say, "See kids? Your action figures will look JUST like this, because they'll be painted on too!" I wonder, if they do make Clone Wars action figures (which they might not because the movie tanked!), would I be able to shoot a little movie with them, put it up on the screen, and have anybody know the difference? Also, not only do the characters' faces look painted on, but the backgrounds of the worlds also look still and lifeless at times, as if they were painted too. I thought the whole POINT of what George Lucas has been doing in the prequels was to show how far technology had come along (because, let's face it, it wasn't REALLY about telling the story now, was it?). Yet, in this movie, despite ALL this CGI, the backgrounds literally look like static backdrops from a sci-fi movie from the 50s. "Forbidden Planet" anyone?
And the other big issue with the animation is that the characters are not emotive at all. Now, we all know the prequels were not known for their acting. Some actors managed to fare pretty well (Ewan McGregor), some fared so-so (Hayden Christensen), and some fared terribly (Natalie Portman). However, the "acting" here is godawful. There were a couple times where I honestly could not tell if a character was being sarcastic or not because I couldn't read the look on their face. At one point when Obi-Wan says, "Nice shot, Anakin," I was unable to tell if he was being honest or poking fun at his former Padawan.

Another, glaring issue I had was that they have given Anakin a Padawan learner named Ashoka, who is a tad annoying, but not enough to ruin the film too much. Now I'm not sure it's ever explicitly stated, but doesn't a Jedi have to be bestowed the rank of Master in order to take on a Padawan learner? And in Episode 3, isn't Anakin specifically NOT given the rank of Master? So how the hell did he get a Padawan before he even REQUESTED the rank? We already know that those on the Jedi Council think of him as reckless. One way to explain this well would be to mention that the Jedi are hard up for teachers (that's what she said!) because the war is going on, so they've turned to Anakin as a last resort. That would make sense, and add a nice bit of drama and realism to the trials the Clone War is having on the Jedi. But, of course, the filmmakers don't do this.
Also, since (mild spoiler) Ashoka doesn't die in the movie, I'm assuming she's either going to get released from Anakin's service or die at some point during the course of the series once it hits TV (hopefully the show will just last one season). But even so, wouldn't Anakin have mentioned Ashoka at some point later? A Padawan learner who died under your care or was released from your service still deserves mention. Keep in mind the events of "Revenge of the Sith" have to take place no more than a couple of years after the events in this movie. Wasn't Anakin a Padawan for nearly ten years? Since Ashoka didn't last that long, what happened to her, and why is Anakin totally cool with it in "Revenge of the Sith?" Hell, why is he cool with it when he goes on his mysterious spirit journey on Nelvan, which we KNOW takes place right before Episode 3? Talk about a retcon.

Another thing that worried me was that the story is based around Jabba the Hutt and his "son" being kidnapped. I didn't see why Hutts needed to be brought into a story about the Clone Wars, but surprisingly, it was actually kind of cool to see the Hutts take center stage and occupy such story space. Even in "Return of the Jedi," Jabba's biggest moment, he's still there as a side character before the main plot gets going. Here, he's in a shitty plot, but at least he sort of gets to take front row and center (which, for the record, was also the seat I got in the theater because it was practically empty).
Even so, Jabba's son has got to be one of the UGLIEST animated creations I have ever laid eyes upon, and his squeals and whines were excruciating at best. The Huttlet babysitting scenes are pretty painful, as Anakin and Ashoka worry about whether or not the slimeball is healthy, as he burps green gas in their faces. In one of these scenes, I couldn't help but remember the iconic line from Alec Guinness so many years ago: "For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic..." So, THIS is what they were doing all that time? Babysitting slugs??? I guess stories really do get better with age for old Obi-Wan.

I also gotta say, regarding the Hutts, that it's cool to see a Hutt operating on Coruscant. I am of course, referring to Jabba's infamous big flaming uncle, Ziro.
A lot of talk has been made about Ziro the Hutt being a bad gay stereotype, but I gotta say, this was one of my favorite parts of the movie. Ziro is SUCH a ridiculous character, and SO over-the-top in a movie that had already jumped the shark plenty of times, that I LOVED him. Imagine a purple hookah-smoking caterpillar running a gay bar, covered in Day-Glo paint, sounding like Truman Capote, and you basically have Ziro. What's not to like? Lucas has given us ridiculous stereotypical aliens before...the Ewoks, Jar-Jar, Watto. Why not add Ziro to the list? Even though these characters always detract from the Star Wars saga as a whole, one has to admit they are kind of guilty pleasures in their own right.
And it's kind of cool that we have a "gay" Star Wars character now. Maybe I'm being facetious, but I don't think Ziro is really that negative a character towards the queer community. The guy is operating his own groovy nightclub outside of Hutt Space, he's bilingual (he DOES speak Huttese briefly), and he's plotting to gain control of the entire Hutt Empire! Gay pride, man! That's pretty bitchin'! And besides, can Hutts even BE gay? I thought I read somewhere long ago that they were hermaphroditic. Maybe Ziro's just making the switch at the moment, biologically speaking.

Another point for the movie, as small as it is, is that this is the first time I've actually felt a bit for the Clone Troopers. In the Old Trilogy, the Stormtroopers were always the bad guys, so you always cheered when they got shot. You were sort of rooting for the rebel soldiers, but you were always concentrating more on Han, Leia, Luke, Chewie, etc., so you never gave the troops any notice. In the prequels, the Clones never really got their due, and of course, nobody gives a shit about the battle droids.
Here though, you're rooting for the Clones, and when they get gunned down in battle with an "Arrghh!" you actually sort of feel like you're in the trenches, fighting with them. As I said before, Star Wars has always been about the gritty battles, and indeed, the battles in this movie are pretty OK. And seeing humans troopers (even if they are clones) getting taken out by much bigger, cold, unfeeling robots always makes you feel bad for the dudes. That is, you feel bad for 'em whenever the filmmakers aren't making the battle droids out to be complete buffoons, which they do on several occasions to cripple one of the few things the movie has going for it.

So, in general, yes, "The Clone Wars" is pretty terrible. It feels like something a couple fanboys would write up on their weekend off. But, it was nowhere near as bad as I feared. My love for the original movies still remains intact. In fact, I can imagine a pretty fun drinking game coming out of this movie; every time you are able to state a specific instance in which Lucas has "jumped the shark" (or "nuked the fridge," to use the more appropriate Indy Jones term), you take a drink. And there are a few moments where Lucas craps on his legacy SO much that you have to take a shot. Examples are when Ashoka calls Anakin "Skyguy" for the first time, and when Ziro the Hutt makes his grand entrance.

Also, as I recall nobody actually says the iconic "I have a bad feeling about this" in the movie, which just may be the most ironic thing of all.