My Split

I think everybody leads a double-life, if not a triple, quadruple, etc., etc.,

My double-life, more than anything, has always been trying to find some sort of balance between my love of stories and filmmaking and my love of nature and the outdoors.

For the last three summers, I have worked as a science camp counselor/teacher at the Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History. And it has been some of the most rewarding experiences of my life. On a film shoot, anybody can tell you how exhausting things can be. But working with a bunch of first graders is just as exhausting. Yet at the end of the day, while you sometimes feel disgruntled about the quality of the shitty movie you've spent the whole day boom-poling, you almost always feel a little bit of warmth when you know you taught the kids something valuable, and maybe shaped them to become naturalists, paleontologists, or astronauts. This is stretching sure, but it's true--I really think I have done my job to inspire many of my kids.

And as much as I hate to say this, I think the people I've worked with while teaching tend to be nicer, more helpful, and encouraging than the ones I've met in Hollywood. I've made some great friends at film school, to be sure, but the often the general Hollywood atmosphere is one of "you can't make it...this industry is awful...you're not good enough...blah blah blah!!!" It's just nasty. And there's no need for it. When many of your FACULTY members tell you how difficult it is, it just makes you want to give it up. This is especially the case with a few of the 480 faculty members I dislike so much. It's sad, because if anything, shouldn't your teachers be the people who inspire you and make you want to do more, instead of bring you down? I know that when I teach little kids, this is what I try to do whenever I can. And the same principles should apply to BIG college kids too. Most of us are in college to learn and become better people, believe it or not!

I'm not going to give filmmaking up because I know that I'm damn good at it, and it's what makes me feel most alive. Even more so than teaching, which makes me feel pretty alive too. But after being told day in and day out how I'll never achieve artistic satisfaction (whatever the hell THAT means) in the Hollywood business, you sometimes worry that it might be true. Many people have mid-life crises where they wish they had become directors, actors, etc. Am I going to have one way down the road, while stuck in some stupid production office or post-house, that I should have become a science teacher or biologist?

I want to be a director, writer, storyteller, CREATIVE PERSON, whatever. I LOVE working on a film project that I feel is actually worthwhile. But I don't want to come right out of "the best film school in the world" and get stuck working for some hack producer. And yet this is a distinct possibility. I feel that I am creative and talented enough to ultimately succeed in whatever field I choose, but one still can't help but worry.

I'm writing about this because today I was offered the opportunity to apply for a pretty phenomenal teaching job, and while I am certainly going to apply, my heart tells me that if I get the job I won't accept it. Because I have too large, unwieldy, dreams. But will those dreams ever come to fruition? Will I ever get to direct a film that will touch people's hearts, make people think, and make people dream themselves? That's quite a gamble.

I think ultimately I want to be liked by people and affect them in a positive way (and save the planet, but that's a musing I can save for another time). Both teaching and filmmaking can affect people, but they are totally different ways of going about it. And sometimes I wonder if filmmaking could be the more false, and selfish, one.

This schism within me is one that's haunted me for a long time. Ever since I was a little kid I've been torn between my love for the natural world, and my love for the arts. I'm the first Johnson in my line 0f "Johnson-First-Born-Males" that I know of who has gone into the arts rather than the sciences. But maybe that's what my dad was asking for when he didn't name me "John" (most of you know the story...).

Anyways, enough worrisome musings for now. Some reviews...

"The Great Debaters" My dad thought this was the best movie of the year. I thought it was good, but pretty generic. Still, I was positive enough about it leaving the theater. Then I did a bit of research and found that this "supposed true story" is pretty false on many accounts. For one thing, the black debate team NEVER went up against Harvard. They went up against...(get ready for it)...USC!!! Also, some of the main characters of the film don't even exist!!! I'm all for the bending of information for sake of a good story, but there is a line between bending the truth and making shit up. This movie made a lot of shit up, and I respect it a lot less because of it.

"There Will Be Blood" Weirdly enough, I loved THIS movie and my parents hated it--go figure. I haven't liked anything else by P. T. Anderson (well, "Boogie Nights" was OK, but flawed), but this movie was really really cool. I think it's my fav of the best picture nominees this year (which doesn't mean it will win). Day-Lewis is of course great (duh!), but one thing I really liked about the movie is that it so accurately captures the feeling of what it is like to be in the middle of California. It reminds me of hiking trips and stuff I used to go on. They even got the bird calls right! Check this one out if you haven't...it's pretty sweet. It'll..."eat you up."

"Cloverfield" SPOILER ALERT!!! I was pretty excited for this movie (as you can imagine, knowing I love monsters and stuff). Unfortunately, the film failed to rise above the gimmick, and it's running time felt way to short. Also, many of the characters made some VERY stupid decisions that made them deserve to get killed in the end. I'm sorry, but anyone who witnessed a monster that large once would NEVER go running back RIGHT TOWARDS THE MONSTER to save their girlfriend. Because in reality their girlfriend would be monster toast. Hell, it wasn't even the dude's girlfriend! It was his awkward hookup!!! I think a far more compelling movie could have been made if the characters actually made very smart decisions, went along with the military's evacuation plan, and STILL got screwed.
That having been said, the monster is very VERY cool, especially in the first few early attack scenes where it is still shrouded in mystery. I'm tempted to go see the movie again just for the monster alone. It is a very GOOD gimmick utilized very very skillfully, but sadly, the film never manages to rise above this awesome gimmick to become an awesome MOVIE. Oh wells.

"Atonement" I had refrained from seeing this movie for a while, mainly because seeing ANY movie called "Atonement" seemed like it would be quite the chore. When it won the Golden Globes, I figured I might as well suck it up and go check it out. I left the movie thinking, "that was an OK movie, but just not my cup of tea." But yet the more I think about the movie now, the more hollow a film it seems. Parts of it are skillfully done, and Keira Knightley in particular does a good job, but I can't remember feeling much of any sort of emotion other than, "Damn, that's hot" during the library scene. It was kind of a yawner.

"Do the Right Thing" I have often said that I am a bad film student because the only Spike Lee film I'd ever seen was "Inside Man." But now I can say that I've seen this--and it's a pretty good one. The ending falls apart a bit, but as a whole the movie is so interesting and fun that it's forgivable. My only major beef was that when the movie was finished, I wanted to come to conclusions on my own. Yet Spike Lee opens the credits with a quote from both Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, essentially hammering you over the head with a jackhammer what the message of the movie is. Thanks a BUNCH for the subtlety, Spike.

"The Seventh Seal" The only other Bergman (I think) that I had seen was "Persona" which I found pretty bland and into itself. But this one was really cool, and it features the famous "playing chess with Death" thing that's been spoofed so much in other film since. The movie was actually shorter than I was expecting, and I also thought that it was going to end with a sequence AFTER all the characters had died, but instead, it just ends WHEN they die. It was still pretty cool though. Worth checking out!