Here goes nuthin'...

So it's begun. For years now, I have debated with myself over whether or not to start my own blog, livejournal, or whatever. Journals, after all, are for private thoughts, and do I really want my private thoughts avaliable for everyone? God knows everyone reads these things, and many people who DO write in these online things wind up withholding very strong personal feelings and information from others (understadably). So what's the point?
Still, I have written my thoughts down often in the past for myself, stored in secret files on my computer, but I always wound up losing track of them. This way, I won't lose track, and if people actually CARE enough about me to read this thing, then great. Welcome to the party!
Let's be honest...who really looks at these things? This blog will probably just be used for me to look back on myself and my life and how foolish I was, even though I will probably continue to do foolish things as long as I exist.

The other reason I created this blog was to stave off summer boredom--not that I've been bored so far this summer. Far from it. Things are piling up quicker than I could imagine, and most of them are things I am looking forward to. I guess I really just decided to create this thing in some weird hope of holding on to the world of college...don't ask me why, because it doesn't make sense. How does writing on a computer let you retain that other tornado of a world I live in? I suppose it's just a way for me to cry out and try to hold on to people I am missing like hell already. Since I'm too shy or non-confrontational to talk to these people, I guess writing this thing is a sub-conscious way of doing so.
It's strange, being torn between two places. Santa Barbara, especially the MOUNTAINS of Santa Barbara, will always feel like my physical and spiritual home, but the emotional core of myself at the moment now only rings true when I am with all those people I met during freshman year (and some others...sure). And even then, I sometimes worry those relationships are on shaky ground. I've always suffered from an inferiority complex, even when I know it's been unjustified.
But enough warped self-pity. I know that if I wrote every time I FELT like it, this would seem like an online "feel sorry for Fish" notebook. And I don't want that. I'm a pretty cheerful guy. TOO cheerful, sometimes.

I've decided that, in order to keep things fair and balanced, I will only write every time I watch a movie. That happens often enough, and randomly enough, to keep everything on a level playing ground. Plus it lets me comment on movies, and if I don't have anything else to say, I can always write about that. And movies make good springboards for other topics...
This past week I saw a load of stuff, all of which was good, and much of which wasn't in my preferred genre(s). I re-watched "Edward Scissorhands," and fell in love with it again, but I don't want to talk about that.
I saw "Love, Actually" again, and got sentimental. Great movie, but it makes you overly emotional. Someday I'll watch that one with the woman I love. It's easy to find movies like this...the list goes on and on. It's harder to find the woman...
I also watched "Witness," having not seen it in a long while. What a terrific movie! I remembered it was good, but man! Touched on some great issues, and great acting by all. Also got me a little sentimental during the "Harisson Ford sweeps pretty Amish girl off her feet when the car radio plays" scene. The movie also showcases what MAY be the manliest moment EVER in a movie. It was Viggo Mortensen (yes, the ARAGORN Viggo Mortensen's) first role, and he plays one of the Amish guys (he appears many times in the barn-raising scene, and also in the scene when Harisson beats the snot out of the tourists). At one point, Viggo and Harisson shake hands before going to raise the barn...does it GET more manly than that? The screen OOZED testosterone! Also, "Witness" shares some eerie paralells with another favorite of mine, "Blade Runner." Both feature music by Vangelis, both star Harisson Ford, and in both movies Harisson is in love with a girl who is forbidden from him named Rachel! Craaaazy...
I also saw "Capote" with my parents. Pretty good movie. Stellar acting by Philip Seymour Hoffman (hence the Oscar...duh!), and pretty unsettling. I'm not sure what I was supposed to take from the film (if anything) but it certainly had me thinking and feeling as I went to bed.
Last night, my dad and I watched "Jerry Maguire," and it really made me miss the old Tom Cruise. The Tom Cruise you could enjoy, watch, and be entertained by. Not the crazy one who won't get his face out of the papers right now. Rene Zelleweger, whom I usually can't stand, also did a nice job, and it also had that nerdy nervous-looking guy from "High Fidelity." Bonus! I really liked the movie, though it made me sentimental again. Too many well-made (not shitty) rom-coms can be unhealthy to your well-being, especially over the summer.
Speaking of which, today I watched "While You Were Sleeping," expecting it to be a joke of a movie, but it was pretty good too. And Sandra Bullock was cute. Still is...

I usually HATE romantic comedies because they are often executed poorly, but maybe that's just the case of movies coming out today (the "Break-Up" wasn't supposed to be very good was it?). There WERE a lot of pretty good ones that came out before I was old enough to appreciate them.
Yet all this watching of movies makes me remember something. Something from one of my new favorite books, "High Fidelity..." In the book Hornby (or "Rob" I suppose, since it IS a first-person narrative) states how unhealthy an unhappy it can be to be someone who likes the arts...in his case music and movies...because so much of the arts deals with heartbreak. It makes us more emotional people.
Amen to that, Rob.

Anyways, hopefully I'll be able to keep these entries shorter in the future. Believe it or not, I have a hard time talking to people when I need to, and when stuff it bothering me and I write like this, it all comes out in a whirlwind of anxiety. Rats. Tootles.